Post-Apocalyptic Tuxedo People
by Maguffium239
Summary: The Gunters are clearly more intelligent than they let on. How did they wind up working for a nutjob like Ice King? Set right after Marceline either leaves him or is abandoned.


**Hello! First off, WARNING: There is an OC/self insert thing in this story. I don't think she's a Mary Sue or anything; she's just there because she's a good way for me to tell the story. **

**This is potentially a multi-chapter fic, but I think it stands on its own as a one-shot as well. Depends on how much/what feedback I get and how bored I am this summer. **

**Now that that's out of the way, here's the **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Adventure Time. I only own my Marshall Lee doll.**

This is a story of wind and snow  
Of fire from above and ice from below  
I might be the only one who really knows  
The tale of Simon Petrikov.

Oh yeah, I'm in the story, too. I'm Gunter, the real power behind the throne. Without me, Ice King's only subjects would be snow golems, ice-o-pedes, and the occasional polar bear that gets too fat to move. I'm the real ruler of Penguinkind – my family has been in power since before we discovered humans - but I let him boss everyone around. You know, for laughs.

After all, how else would I have a chance at all the magical goodies the weirdo keeps lying around? Not the crown, of course. I don't want to walk around acting like I ate a bunch of month-old fish all the time. But the other stuff is pretty neat. One time, I managed to get my flippers on his demonic wishing eye thing. I swear, I only wanted it so I could find more bottles to smash. It's a great stress reliever. And it's not like Ice King keeps a lot of them just lying around –everything here is made of ice. You believe me, don't you, Writer Princess?

_Yeah, sure, whatever. Um, can we get on with the story? He could be back any second._

Don't worry, I made sure we won't be interrupted.

_How did you– never mind. So, where do we start? Who is this Simon guy? What does he have to do with Ice Kingdom history? _

It's… kind of hard to explain. But luckily, Ice King likes to make videos, so we have pretty good records of a lot of our history, and the rest is a big part of penguin lore. I'll go get them.

_Hey, where are you going? Come back! Don't leave me alone in this cage! Hey!_

_Nuts._

* * *

_So Ice King was a human once?_

Yes.

_And he was slowly driven insane over a period of at least several weeks, if not months or years, without any family or friends there to help him? _

Yes.

_During the Mushroom War. When his entire species was busy murdering itself. _

Yes.

_Wow. So, what happened after that? _

Well…

One of my distant ancestors, Gunter the First, was the first penguin to meet the Ice King. Gunter was a scout who was supposed to find any surviving humans and bring them to us. See, the Ice Kingdom wasn't always here. Before the Mushroom War, the humans kept penguins prisoner here so that they could stare at us. I think it was some kind of bizarre psychological torture or something.

Anyway, they could have escaped, but right outside the prison, the weather was too hot for any penguin to survive for more than a few days. After the Mushroom War, no one was taking care of the spells that kept the prison cold, so Gunter the First was sent out to find a human who could make sure my ancestors wouldn't die…

"Wenk!"

The man looked up, irritated. He had been so close to remembering – the faces swirled, tantalizingly just out of reach – a woman, a girl – and further still, a mother and a father – long dead –

"Wenk wenk."

He glared at the penguin nuzzling up against him. "What do you want?"

"Wenk."

"Well, all right then," Simon said, experiencing one of the sudden mood swings characteristic of the mentally unstable. "Lead the way."

They walked in silence for a while. When the man finally spoke, it was only to say, "Nice seeing you again, Gunter."

The newly named Gunter felt relief more than anything. Here at last was a sensible human, none of this nonsense with screaming children or green ooze or bazookas. Maybe, just maybe, he was capable of fixing the spells that kept the other penguins alive. If the others were gone, life would be even more boring than it already was. They were morons, to be sure, but at least they could understand his speech.

He stopped as the realization hit him. This human had understood him, too. He must be intelligent enough to work the spells! He began to walk faster, then turned around and tugged at the wizard's leg.

"Come on, hurry up, let's go."

The wizard merely laughed and picked him up. Gunter let out a wordless squawk of outrage. He was the chosen, the leader, the one given power to withstand the heat! He should not be treated like this!

"Listen up, buddy. You do as I say and nothing else. If you do, I swear I'll rip your stupid human teeth out and use them to shred your vital organs! Are you even listening to me?"

The wizard continued walking, ignoring his protests and demands to stop. Over the next few days, he would occasionally allow Gunter to walk on his own over (accidentally ensuring that they didn't get totally lost), but mostly the penguin was carried. The indignity grated on his mutated brain like a beak against the glass walls of the prison, but he tolerated it. After all, life was nicer when the air was the proper temperature.

* * *

Gunter the first waddled into the prison, not bothering to shut the door behind him. The outside world was already covered in snow. Soon it would be frozen over, as it should be. The rest of the world could burn, but he would be snug and cold in his own little patch of Antarctica. He would rule over the other penguins as the one who brought the ice –

"Whoa! There sure are a lot of you, Gunter," the wizard said, breaking the mutant penguin out of his trance. "Have you been making friends without telling me? That's a bad idea, Gunter, you never know what kind of weirdos are wandering around out here. You should tell me first."

The other penguins had by now figured out that they were not, in fact, mutant polar bears that had somehow figured out how to open the door and were waddling towards them.

"You found one?"

"You found a human?"

"It looks kinda blue for a human."

"It's just the cold."

"You left the door open, moron."

This last statement came from the leader of the penguins. She didn't have a name because, as she put it, "Names are for stupid humans that have so much going on in those over-inflated heads of theirs that they can't remember who they're talking to." Most penguins just called her She.

She waddled up to Gunter, rubbed her head against his chin, and leaped into the water and streaked away like a torpedo in a tuxedo. After a moment's pause, Gunter followed.

The wizard just stood there smiling gently down at the milling penguins.

It was going to be fantastic.

* * *

And that's how my ancestors found Ice King! Without them, he would still be wandering around being donkers all the time. Not that he doesn't still do that, but he's improving, thanks to me. Why does he have to keep leaving, anyway? We're the only ones who like him. You'd think he'd appreciate it, but nooo, he keeps going to hang out with Finn and Marceline and precious pretty Princess Bubblegum. Well, Marceline's not so bad, but the rest of them? No, just no. I try to tell him, but it's like when I talk, all he hears are wenk noises or something. Ungrateful jerk. After all I –

Oh. You're still here.

_Yeah. It's not exactly like I can go anywhere. _

_Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings with sarcasm!_

_Hey, wait, come back! _

_Gunter!_

_*sigh*_

**Review! Or, you know, don't. I appreciate constructive criticism, especially about the dialogue. Always want to improve!  
**

**P.S. Please don't flame me for having an OC. I've read a few stories (esp. "Fionna: The Last Human Standing" by ATHPluverand "A Change of Fate" by Miss Mocha) that actually have OCs that aren't terrible. I hate Mary Sues too.  
**

**Peace out!**


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